Resistance is Futile ! ; trauma and resistance

Just a quick post as I’m sitting in a coffee shop ( when am I ever not ?) away from home awaiting the arrival of my sister who is meeting me , I can hear you asking why Ive bored you with this fact . I don’t know , perhaps were friends now?

The thing is , and this is a strange one , I have started trying out helpful things to help heal my trauma as research for my book coming out next year. I have started Yoga ( help me I hurt now ), meditation ( it makes me sleep) breathing apps , better diet , some recommended supplements , that sort of thing .

My problems……..

Well it’s a bit embarrassing to say , not embarrassing like letting out wind in a crowded elevator , but the sort you feel when you fail at something. I have come across resistance and I don’t understand why ?

Im putting off the yoga , the meditation , in fact everything . I know I need to start it , I know it might help and I know it’s needed research for my book , but still I don’t do it . I have picked a date , this Monday to start and Im going to stick to it , I hope …….

Ive thought long and hard about this , perhaps I’m not ready to face the trauma , but it’s been years so if I’m not ready then when ? this state can be called the pre contemplation stage , often used with substance abusers it really means what it sounds like , its the non intention of change , so substance users talk about changing, give the impression that they are changing but inside they don’t want to . I feel like I want to change and unless this is some sort of unconscious process I don’t think this applies to me .

Lazy Lazy lazy ….

Perhaps Im just lazy , doing things to recover or at least feel better takes a lot of work , perhaps Im just work shy . This also doesn’t seem to fit , Im not generally lazy and I’ve managed to write 41,000 words on my book so far and read , literally hundreds of full papers of research before `I write a single word of a chapter , so I don’t feel lazy .

Avoidance

Mmmm, this is getting closer I feel , ACE survivors feel shame , have a poor self image , low self esteem guilt and we hide it with a personal shield . To face this , to face what’s behind it we have to admit the shield is there and try to peek behind it , it’s not nice . Those of us with a complex trauma have complex needs and we should expect any treatment to also be complex.

No Research

I have broken my rule on this post , research first , make sure not to make any unfounded claims and make sure everyone knows you’re not a health professional. Ive broken the research one , Im just telling you how I feel . If I’m honest I’m a bit concerned , what if I do everything I have identified as helpful and it still doesn’t work , is my life stuck like this ? That is the real reason Im putting off and feeling resistance , what if it doesn’t work?.

We should at least try…..

Well today is Saturday , I will start on Monday , we should at least try to get better , I know from my research that some physical changes to our brains cannot be changed , but we can look for workarounds , improve our situation and keep fighting …

anyway , have a great day , see you again soon

A quick update

Well I’ve continued to to inflict the yoga trauma on myself , Jessica has been relenting , down dog …down to up dog , plank , table , slowly come to standing …arms up ……I think I can sometimes hear her laughing … But both her and Molly are great instructors and I think I’m making progress albeit like a truck tanker climbing up a steep hill in first gear. The meditation I’m finding harder , my mind wanders or I fall asleep neither of these are helpful. For now I still feel stressed out , perhaps I just need to give it time , get into a rhythm , Ive started taking magnesium and a vegetarian Omega3 , Ill keep going until something works.