The big subject
This really is a big and important subject for ACE survivors as it affects everything , by relationships , yes I mean significant ones , wives , husbands , lovers and however you describe your sexuality its the closest relationship to you. We also should widen this , it should include all relationships as well , friends relatives and work colleagues , in fact our whole relationships to other humans. There is a lot of content out there about this , but I think I can add a new dimension to this as Im looking at this as an ACE survivor myself and will extensively draw on my own experience. Im back down in town , Ive just ordered my large latte , its coming , so I ready to go……..
We saw in the last post , that I like to think of ACE as a trauma spectrum , so outcomes will vary and so will the effects on relationships , so we must , apart from using my experiences, talk in general terms ( Oh my Latte has just arrived , great !).Previously in another post we looked at attachment types , I won’t bore you with going over all of them again , but we should recognise that they have a big impact on relationships . Just as an example, an individual who experienced fearful , abuse , chaos or neglect as a child may be scared to be alone as an adult but also be scared of intimacy. Or a child who experienced constant change ( foster placement changes?) or inconsistent parents , may be clingy and needy in relationships as an adult , sometimes this will push others away.
Keeping a secret?
According to the Guardian , a UK national newspaper ( June 30 2019) it takes on average 24 yrs for a victim of childhood to reveal their secret to anybody. They interviewed Erin Delaney a trauma survivor who suffered severe physical and emotional abuse . She said that she felt so challenged , ungrounded and self hating that she decided not to tell people. She worried that she would loose friends or loved ones if they knew the truth , so she created two different parts of herself in response. The secret real self and her public persona , I can totally relate to that , thats where I find myself now.
Another factor, and one that will effect many was that Erin comes from a religious background , she found support difficult to find , she attempted suicide at 18 , her psychiatric registrar (and you won’t believe this) told her to “do it properly next time” , this sent her back in her shell for years. Dr Cathy Kezelman president of the Australian charity Blue Knot foundation said ” We have a society that hasn’t wanted to hear about it “.
Process
I think as sufferers we can all agree it takes a lot of time to process what has happened to us . For ages I felt that my abuse wasn’t that bad , I felt guilty thinking about it , in reality it was horrendous , frequent and long lasting encompassing many types of trauma. So if I couldn’t admit it to myself , how was I ever going to be able to tell others. Mellisa Bate , from Interrelate an Australian relationship charity said ” we have in our humane nature a way of dealing with trauma by just holding it locked away somewhere”. In a very real way , secrecy compounds the trauma , it isolates , it leaves the victim in a vacuum of support and understanding and that will inevitably affect relationships.
We are getting to the point …honestly !
Sometimes , we notice a friend is a bit off , they are quick tempered , un-friendly , standoffish and not themselves , they don’t want to talk about it and we sometimes respond by giving them space and sometimes we just feel like avoiding them . A trauma survivor can be a bit like this all of the time , or just some of the time , it’s back to that trauma spectrum we talked about. If others don’t know why survivors are acting this way , then they cannot provide the understanding or kindness that survivors need , they instead pull away and it becomes a vicious circle as it conforms to survivors that they are not worth spending time with.
Even if you have lots of friends ,lots of relationships and Im talking about me here , you’re really alone when you are not . Because you, or me in this case , have created a second persona , one where you don’t tell anyone , you sort of put on an act , its not the real you and you feel that they might not understand if they knew and part of you just doesn’t want to tell anyone and go through it .
As for me , you know Im not a medical specialist , my wife on the other hand ( she has no input into this blog I should add) specialises in long term conditions . Im incredibly lucky as she has insight , I have always told her everything and she is one of three people who know about my abuse , the other two are my sisters. She is understanding and I have someone to talk to , many are not as lucky.
Lets talk significant others….
I would , and only from my non professional experience ,consider being honest with your significant other, if you feel its the right time to do so and feel safe . It may be difficult at first , but they will appreciate the honesty and the trust and if they love you this will be repaid ten fold, but its totally your choice .
I realise that some f you will have experienced abuse of a sexual nature , thats going to be a big hurdle for you to jump. Clarissa ( not her real name , but we understand) from Wollongong AUS , was interviewed by ABC in Australia , she shared ” sex for many people -even without sexual trauma -is often inherently an act of vulnerability , we are naked physically and emotionally”. ” having to discuss sexual trauma adds an additional layer of vulnerability and can be traumatising in itself”. ” letting go of that control-how someone thinks of you…is really hard”.
Psychologist Lauren Moulds in the same interview shared that ” sexual assault robs people of autonomy over their bodies ,trust ,security and safety , making it difficult to share with others “. To tell or not to tell is hard one , I think its a personal choice I did chose to tell , that was the right thing to do for me , your situation on the trauma spectrum may be totally different than mine and a different choice might be the right one for you.
Some questions to keep in mind
Dr Moulds on the www.abc.net.au website advises to keep some things in mind .
Is your trauma having a negative impact on their relationship?,
Is this relationship progressing important to you?
and very importantly …do you trust this person?
She adds a very pertinent statement ” what matters most is that the decision to disclose is one that makes you feel empowered and safe”.
I guess , we are all individuals and must choose for ourselves , don’t do it if you don’t feel right about it , I have only told three people , so I can hardly give advice . If you are going to tell , choose the right moment and the right place , you don’t have to share it all at once and you might want to share what your needs expectations are . You are in charge of your information and you might think about rehearsing it beforehand, perhaps to the cat ……….or dog for that matter , mines a great listener , he’s 15 and totally deaf.
How might childhood trauma affect my relationships then , how might I act?
We are back to that spectrum again , you might display all of the following ; a selection ( like taking just the hazelnut and praline chocolates from the selection box at Christmas), just one…. or none . This partially comes from an excellent article in Psychology Today and was written in February 19 2022 by Kaytee Gillis . LCSW-BACS ( many thanks to her)
We might express fears of abandonment , this can come across as jealousy , Ive seen this in some other people , it can sometimes lead to a self fulfilling prophecy . We might need some space to ourselves now and then , I think this is something fairly normal , my wife has her own hobbies , I have coffee shops , I think this really means space on the next level , Id describe it more like as being withdrawn.
Some survivors , do stay with people that may not be good for them , they may stay with people they no longer love or like , it feels safer and better than being alone. Some might fight a lot and others might avoid any conflict . After a conflict , sufferers might pretend it never happened or be unclear how to resolve the conflict or make up.
We might worry about committing to a relationship , we might worry we are settling or we might be avoiding a relationship, this comes from our distrust of others , its a self care , self protection behaviour that will protect us , we feel anyway, from the hurt that we have previously been through.
Kaytee also point out that some sufferers will try to change their partners , this she says comes out of the fact that we wished we could change our childhood care givers but were powerless to do so. I also think that this can be part of normal relationships to a lesser extent. Where one partner loves the other but might wish to change one aspect of their partners behaviour , like golfing three times a week….. ( I cannot understand golfing it bemuses me like American football)
If you are a partner and someone is sharing information about their abuse , listen , validate ( believe) , ask , support , give time. , Educate yourself and have understanding , don’t push it ,this is likely one of the hardest things your loved one has ever done and they chose you !
As for me I do find relationships sometimes difficult , it stems from many things , I think that others will get bored with me, I feel like I have nothing worth listening to , I’m hate unpredictability it makes me anxious , so a night out where I don’t know what’s going to happen is difficult for me.
Strangely I hug my wife , but just hate to hug anyone else , or get close , I know its strange , Im strange , Ive learnt to live with it .
I know we have just touched on the surface of this subject , but as ever that was the point . I wanted you to leave with a feeling of complexity , I want you to know that as trauma survivors we cannot be put into a one size fits all box and you can only fully understand that if you too are an ACE survivor. We are individuals , we live on a spectrum of trauma and our outcomes are all different , but we are one community and are never alone.
Anyway , thanks again for spending time here , I know there is so much content out there and you spending time here means a lot . We are unbelievably up to 10,000 views a week , I think google might be passing American football fans here due to the above picture !they must be confused …. hope your well , see you soon…..
